Said the Crocodile to the Hunting Dog
In the far off land of Santo Dinpo there was a man by the name of Captain Mongolia. He was a righteous lad who's only great pleasure came from waiting for his beard to grow after he had shaved. Many took a delighted pleasure in taunting the Captain and ramming him with their helmets. Although he was tolerant at first, he soon was to discover that he hated all man kind, including the beloved Ted Koppel. We join the young captain on his sixteenth birthday in his home on Mt. Peninsula
The day had been good for Captain Mongolia, he had received eight gifts from himself since he had no relatives. He was born from a freak accident between a computer and a tank of walrus saliva. He did not know this however, because his father the walrus saliva had died during the Captain's inauguration as head of the freak department at the University of Montreal. So as CM (Captain Mongolia) went to bed that night he thought of his parents. He had never known them, but he imagined that they were powerful and famous and that he was alone because of the martyrdom for the nuclear holocaust. Little did CM know just how right he was.
When CM awoke in the morning he reeked from wetting himself and there was a taunting party gathered outside his house. "It's going to be another bad day," thought CM as he stepped outside to let the taunting commence. After being rammed especially hard by a young man, CM fell to the ground in exasperation, and shut his eyes. No sooner had he done that when he saw his father the Walrus saliva!
CM was disappointed to find out that his father was only saliva. Surprised he was to see his dad clad in costly apparel and a crown of Capricorns on his brow. His father told CM of his life story. He spoke of how he had been a great king over his people, but soon bad people came to his people. The bad people were not kind to his people and made his people work for even more bad people and then the good people died leaving only the bad people and the bad people's friends who were the even worse people. The great king was sad to see his people die. So he set out to find a way to kill the bad people and the bad people's friends. The bad people's friends were so bad however that they were able to enchant King Walrus Saliva's computer as he scanned the Internet for plastic explosives. They made computer give off radiation so that it was as-if it was alive. Then it exploded. CM's father then finished by explaining that the explosion combined with radiation had created him and that the bad people's friends plan had backfired. Because CM was now the rightful king of Mt. Peninsula and that he should go and reclaim his kingdom from the bad people. His father then gave CM some powers that he could use: 1. He made Captain Mongolia so that he was no longer a plum retard. 2. He gave the Captain a rock made of stone. 3. Nothing, the walrus forgot to bring the third item. And with that his father bade him farewell and vanished as the saliva sank into the dry ground. CM then realized he had been looking at his own saliva and his stunned brain had dreamed the whole thing. He knew this because he still was a rotten retard.
CM got up and went inside. He fumed all day about the beating he had received and how he wished his dream had been real. He suddenly felt a rush of anger and he rammed his forehead into his elbow. He then realized how good it felt to lash out and to inflict pain, he could only imagine how it would feel to do it to someone else. So he ran outside and smashed a dog with his forehead and then smashed his head in with the rock made of stone that his father gave him in his imaginary dream. He then realized that his vision had been real but he did not care, he now wanted nothing but to destroy the world with his pimply forehead.
As CM made his way from house to house smashing things, he was soon joined by others he wished to help in the quest. He was joined by a tornado, a carriage with four wizards inside, and a wooly mammoth. They traveled together through thick and thin for forty-five minutes and then the Wizards killed the tornado, Captain Mongolia, and the woolly mammoth. It was then completely up to the Wizards and their carriage to take over the world and carry out the wishes of their friends they had just killed. So they headed south over a mountain of chairs in their living room and entered the land of Lickemup. There they were challenged twice by modern technology and the were killed both times. As a bank worker pulled their charred bodies out of the school yard he remarked, "this was the worst attempt to take over the world I have ever seen." The man was right, the events that transpired were recorded as the most lame attempt at world domination ever.
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Written by The National Association for the Advancement of Captain Mongolia.
©1995 ReTran USA
written by Dan Jones