the following is an excerpt from a recent telephone conversation between Utah Senator Orrin Hatch and a mysterious major religious denomination leader:

mystery-leader-X: now Orrin, you’ve realize that there are way more active women the Church than men right
Hatch: of course, everyone knows that because women are penalized more for inactivity and falling away from Church teachings than men, and they’re trained to be more gullible within our Church programs as well
leader-X: well, then we both also understand that our Church welfare system only gives assistance to who are active in our Church, and pay a full tithe, etc
Hatch: certainly, I wouldn’t think about giving my charity to an organization that did not discriminate in such a fashion
leader-X: excellent. Well lets put these two facts together. It is inevitable that there will be many single mothers who are active in our church
Hatch: uh huh…
leader-X: yes. and it is also inevitable that they will often have circumstances where the traditionally meager pay in our great and beloved state will cause these mothers to fall short in things such as unexpected health expenses. even young families with less earning power are falling short and requiring assistance from our “fast offering”
Hatch: so you’re saying, that its these health expenses are taking a bite out of Church coffers because of the number of poor families without adequate health care for their children. now I thought fast-offering was separate from tithing?
leader-X: yes, technically it is. but really this money all comes from the same source; the wage earning members. also, when a family hits hard times they tend to pay us less tithing and also have less money in fast-offerings. with less money we have less money thus less power and control over people and resources we dole out on a meager basis
Hatch: i see where you’re going with this. you need me to…
leader-X: let’s be clear here. I don’t need you, God need’s you. this came whilst i was pondering solemly in the holy-of-holies, that very room where you and I met years ago when the last Senator, what was his name, heh.. fell out of line
Hatch: got it. God needs me to vote with the satanic democrats to have the government pay health care money, so the Church gets more donation money! I will take this very seriously
leader-X: think of it this way; would you appreciate your Temple visits so much if there was simply a $10,000 dollar chandelier in the Celestial room? no. I dare say the Lord would be reluctant to visit such a room. we need at least a $100,000 chandelier for the Lord’s spirit to be present with our faithful temple worshipers
Hatch: make sure God knows I’m on it. I shall collude with the wicked Democrats.. oh hey what about that Harry Reid guy…
leader-X: just please dont mention him, those saints in Nevada i just don’t know.

Posted by admin as Required at 3:32 PM MDT

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